Adventures in Healing

It has been a while. Halloooo

Let me catch you up. Back in January an offer was made on my house so I could finally close up those ties with my ex-wife. At the beginning of February I made an offer on a small two bedroom condo in Poulsbo. It is a really nice place and everyday I am grateful for the good people around me. There was trouble though since as a small business person the banks wouldn't give me a loan without a close family member co-signing. Thanks MOM! Yeah, I know, that seems silly. Though, I did get the place and after only five and a half weeks I was able to move in.

During the time of all this moving I had incurred an injury on my left forearm. I was the goalie at a soccer game and a wild elbow was thrown. I got a pretty bruise and it seemed to heal up and go away. The only problem was I started to have strange pains at random. I would be sitting reading and all the sudden my arm would just tighten up and "charlie horse." Not long after that I started to lose feeling in the last two fingers. I couldn't turn the knob on the door, pull on the handle to open the fridge, or lift anything. Climbing was on hold. I figured I could sit things out for a while and heal. My previous year climbing was stellar, and I was still able to play soccer and dance still. So all is good in my mind, except -- my arm wasn't healing. Even dancing was difficult (left handed leads.)

After almost 5 months, I finally went and got a Physical Therapy. Fortunately, this helped and I was able to start building muscle again in the arm. I got healed enough but was still very weak on the climbing walls. And then there would be another injury that would follow... again during soccer.

I got one day of climbing outside with a friend this season (so far.) We hiked the two and a half miles in to do Outer Space, in Leavenworth. The lineup for this popular climb was busy as we expected. We put down our packs and waited it out. At 11 o'clock we got to start our climb. We should have known it wasn't going to go well though when the prior two groups were telling us about their partners and lack of multi-pitch experience. But their partners were skilled enough, right? Right? WTF?!?

Long story short, we bailed after the second pitch when the clock clicked 3:00 PM. Hiking out the 2.5 wasn't bad... all down hill and since this was a day trip, we drove back to Seattle... climb unfinished. The following day I joined my co-ed soccer league for a match that went very well. We had lots of fun even though I was starting to feel the fatigue building in my legs. And then Tuesday.

Tuesday is the Men's B league. Our team was getting crushed (10-0 crushed.) In the second half, the ball was passed to me and in the break away it was me and the goalie. The goalie came out of the box and as he slid into me I chipped the ball up over him and into the goal. I gracefully jumped over the goalie to make sure the ball went in. I scored the lone goal for our team and was feeling really pumped and excited.

Two minutes left in the game, another break away to the far corner. My teammate gets the ball as I head to the top of the key (this is indoor soccer.) The pass isn't good, so I reach my foot out for the ball. I felt something go wrong. I thought I pulled my groin, and then I noticed it. My kneecap had move out of alignment. This is the fourth time in 20 years that I have done this, and the sad thing about it -- every single time has been when my legs have been tired and I didn't rest.

Lying in pain my kneecap displaced, I did my best to straighten my leg and put things back together. And now I would have another six weeks of healing... minimum.

I did go to the doctor. X-rays were taken. The doctor came in, looked at the knee and basically said, "Heal, if you start to do this often we need to do surgery. You know the drill." And now, I'm on my own. I have done this before but the hardest part this time, I have to know when I'm ready. Before I could wait until I was given the go-ahead. The good news is I'm healing fast. I'm starting week five and plan to go into the climbing gym for some traversing, and then over to the Y for some swimming. I'm on target, and maybe in a few more weeks I can try some running and soccer... or maybe I'll wait on the soccer a little longer. I'm excited to get back to my activities of skiing, climbing, dancing, soccer, etc, etc. I just need to remember, as my body ages my mind needs to be considerate and allow for rest and repair. Sometimes the hardest part is remembering without letting it hold me back. I may be getting older but that doesn't mean I have to stop the things I love... I just need to do them within the limits of this body.

Although, I still think someone needs to come up with a better knee.

Bends it like Beckham

Well I scored my second goal ever. Indoor soccer just too much fun. I'm surprised how much I enjoy playing. I'm not good by any stretch of the imagination. I'm lucky. Last Tuesday night we, the Burninators, had a game against a team that didn't have enough players show up. I decided I would be a player on the opposing team. This worked out great for me, because I like to spend as much time on the field as possible. That isn't always the case with my regular team as we often will have some nine or more players show up. That means we have to watch so subs get a chance to play. The Burninators did a good job of winning the game, but there was a moment where the team I was on was moving forward down the field and the ball came to me. I was outside the goal box and I heard "shoot it, shoot it!" so I stopped the ball and turned to shoot. Dave, who's a fantastic player and has had lots of experience was being the goalie, was charging at me to stop the shot. I took my shot, and the ball swept past Dave's right side, and curved into the far corner of the goal.

I had to look twice, I was in a bit of shock really. No skill, pure luck. It felt fantastic! My regular team cheered me. Dave was the one tell me to to shoot. That just cracks me up. It was all too cool. And my temporary team was pretty excited with the score as well. The rest of the game was probably the best game I had ever played. As I tired, I started playing defense. This I seemed to do well at too. All the fancy foot work of the more skilled players didn't distract me from ruining the shot on our goal. Dave said I set a new bar and now he expects me to play that good all the time. I guess I better go buy some new shoes... I'm still playing in my street shoes.

I would have never guessed I would like all the running. I used to joke, if you see me running don't wait to find out why. Generally, I don't like to run, but soccer has kind of changed that. Running down the valley feels pretty good. The quads are a bit sore but it doesn't hurt as much, and my knees seem to be doing really well. Maybe all that yoga is paying off.

The days are warming, so got to get my last few ski runs in, and prep for the climbing season. Been in the gym more and have found that the lost of some 25 pounds has made climbing the harder stuff much easier. That is always a bit exciting but I don't want to be a numbers guy. I'd rather climb something easy and have lots of fun than be the best climber. Maybe that is why soccer has been so much fun. We are a bunch of desk jocks and we are all out there to have a good time.

I can hardly wait for the next soccer season to start and this one is not even over yet.

Moving into Life

I am currently on a short sabbatical from work. A little mental health recovery. I seem to need more these days. Some people might understand, others might tell me to suck it up. Right now? Won't do it. There is something else driving me. Call it a mid-life crisis. I deserve to have one. You've heard my story... it's a fricken country song. I lost my dad, I lost my wife, and my dog ran away. Well, my dog didn't run away, but I have to share her with the ex-wife. I think Hana is worth it.

In the meantime I'm trying to figure out how to make balance of the situation. This weekend was not balanced. It was pure fun and good times. Last Friday, I met up with someone I hadn't seen in 27 years. We had a blast with good conversation, lots of laughs, and a few really bad jokes. The story of Tara and I is kind of weird because quite frankly, I don't remember her. I am glad though to have established a connection with her. She's an amazing person... I like having those type of people around me.

I followed up Friday with Wine Night. A group of friends get together and drink lots of wine and eat good food. It was so much fun, and I brought my good friend Laura as requested. The usual conversations came up and the kid competitions were had and laughed at... All the kids are wonderful, cute, sweet, terrors. I actually find these kid stories to be too hilarious. These people are good loving and caring people. I'm thankful for them every day. Thanks guys for taking good care of me!

Laura and I had plans to go skiing so the following morning we rolled out of my drive way and made our way to Crystal Mountain. Sunday and Monday were days filled with skiing. The unfortunate part was I forgot to charge my camera battery and Laura got just a couple of pictures before the batteries on her camera bailed. The usual hold the camera at arms length and smile. Laura took the one of me above... I think I need to eat a sandwich...

The best part for me was on Sunday, Laura and I put on our skins, plugged in our iPod head phones and trekked up the trail. At some point I took the lead, maybe two miles in or so, and we came into a clearing. Just a bit of snow was falling and I stopped to look back at the view. There was Laura, with her tongue sticking out to catch snowflakes. What-a-dork. This moment though reminds me of how important it is to keep moving into life. Laura has been a bit of a life coach -- though she probably wouldn't agree. I find her to be brave, and often beyond description. That doesn't mean she's "perfect" it just means she is doing what she can to find her way into the life she desires -- and she does it with out stomping on other people to get there. So much learning to be done.

After two days of skiing, I pushed my body a bit further, I went climbing with my friend Amy, and then played soccer later that evening. I pushed my body, and asked it for a bit more. I also respected the limitations, sore muscles, and now am providing rest. I watched a movie. Worked on this blog. Now, I think I'm going to find a burger and some parts to fix a leaky faucet.

Hard work deserves reward. So this is how I'm moving into life. Maybe a bit more selfish or maybe just finding ways to balance what I give of myself. I know that I give without expectations, but when taken advantage of I turn off all support and extras. This brings me to another thought -- I love the work I do.

I have been doing computer things for as long as I could wrap my brain around the concepts. I'd do it even if I wasn't paid. I feel lucky that I have a career that I love. Yet, even as much as I love what I do, I don't want to be tied to the concept of corporate slavery. That seems to be the modus operandi though eh? The -- You do as I say or I will make your life hell -- mentality that I know we've all seen and experienced. I don't share it. I want something more from my corporation. If a corporation is going to have person rights, then they should also have a heart and soul. When the body complains there might be good reason.

So as you move into life remember to say "Thank you," and "You're Welcome." Be appreciative of people who do a bit extra, and don't take advantage of those that give of themselves.

Onward Ho! No -- I'm not calling you a Ho.

On to better things...

Many of you know that this last year and a half has been pretty hard on me. My father died at the end of 2007 which was extremely difficult.  My wife of 10 years left me six months later. My divorce was finalized back in October, and Dad's ashes were buried on a ski slope in Colorado over the holiday's.  We all suffered economic pressure with high gas prices, huge job losses, and more grey hairs from the lead up to the elections.  

I hope you all survived. I think I came out relatively well. I have made some wonderful new friends that I look forward to learning more about. I have connected with some older friends that were there for me when I needed them most. I got to meet my niece and see my family twice in one year. I started swimming and skiing again. I'm in pretty good shape health wise, and all in all ...

Life is Good.
As this new year begins, and we all recover from our late night to ring in the new year, I thought about what I hope to do this year. The usual ideas come to mind... More time climbing, less time working. More time skiing, less time working. More time with friends and family, less time working.

Maybe I am not being clear?  We now have a culture of work-aholics and a cash cow culture driving these systems of nothingness.  I understand being part of it.  I know I like having a house, car, money to buy new climbing and ski gear... but having all that stuff doesn't help if I don't have the time and never get out and enjoy any of it.  There is a beautiful world out there and I know without doubt or reservation that living in it is a wonderful experience.  And, for many, one that is never tiring.

I hope all of you climbing and ski bums know how lucky you are... And those of you not in the know... A loss of a days wage is nothing compared to never having the experience.  If you are someone who is sitting at your desk and wondering how you are going to make ends meet and do your favorite activity I suggest the following (we've all heard this advice before):

1) Eat healthy; if you are going to spend money on something why not on good tasty food?

2) Be OK with stopping.  When you have a week of running around and not resting (this includes trying to fit in your fun time) take one day to not run around.  Be okay with your mess.  You might even find your priorities will shift in what you think you need.

3)  and finally an unpaid day outside is always better than a paid day at a desk.  You can live without all that kipple piling up in your house... in fact you'll probably be happier without more in general.

On that note, I want to talk about kipple.  Kipple was first introduced by Philip K. Dick in his story Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Kipple is a lot like SPAM. It has a way of building up and left unattended can overwhelm you.

As I clean out my home from 10 years of kipple that built up over my marriage (Thanks to Aunt Judy at Dynamic Order for all the hard work) I feel such relief to have it being purged from my life. I can find things all of the sudden. Putting things away has become easy. And that drawer that is overflowing with kipple... gone. I'm trying to move onto better things... getting rid of dead weight... Seriously, a good start!

Cheers to all! May your 2009 be filled with many highs, few lows, lots of smiles and laughter, and great adventures.

Passion, the new drug of choice

I don't think I have ever enjoyed this time of year. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for certain, but generally I cannot stand the selling of the season. Usually, I would be getting all my climbing gear organized and ready for a trip south to Joshua Tree, or Red Rocks Canyon. This year my family decided it was important to be together. So I'm off to Denver. My sister has made plans for us to ski, and I think I even have plans to get in a little climbing. I'm excited to be with family, see my niece and nephews again, and play in the winter activities that Colorado has to offer.

I'm excited to get back on skis after 14 years. It is something that I enjoyed with my father, but I always hated the ski lift lines, and the cost -- oh my the cost it too high. But this is a sport I was good at doing, and I have fond memories of my dad when I think about skiing. The thing about skiing though -- It was never my passion. It was my fathers, but definitely not mine. You cannot not argue the rush that you get from skiing though -- can you?

Recently, I started to notice something -- everyone is talking about "Living with Passion." Maybe it is because I tweet and you get "followers" who are defining themselves by their jobs -- they have passion for their work. Possibly it is because a friend of mine started a business modeled around the motto "Live Your Passion." Quick Tangent -- Please support Live Your Passion as they really are doing something great to help people live out their dreams. Okay back to the blog. Or maybe the past eight years under such terrible leadership has driven people to realize there has to be something better... anything is better.

Don't get me wrong. I think Passion is wonderful. I feel fortunate that I am a passionate person. Yet, I'm passionate in that traditional way of being fiery and "feeling very strongly about a subject or person" way -- a strong emotion that drives my actions. Now though, the word passion reminds me more of a drug. People cannot wait to get their next hit. It is about the contact high and not the strong emotional feelings -- good or bad. The word "Passion" has become cliche, it is the new religion. Maybe that is my aversion -- has it become a religion?

We all know that many people who play in sports, do extreme activities, even some religious groups, as well as drug users do so for the "now" experience. I have said it many times -- I rock climb because all the other thoughts, worries, problems, etc can all quiet down and I have a very intense rush -- I get to live in the moment and experience all my feelings raw. I would say I'm addicted to climbing. That doesn't happen for me often. I have found even when I swim, ski, or bike ride I have time to think about something other then the immediate moment. Worries of life can still invade me and cause stress. Rock climbing, and now soccer allow me the escape.

So what is my point? Well, the deconstruction of true passion seems to be lost on people right now. People who are running instead of living, who replace meaningful experiences for a momentary rush and call it passion disturb me. I believe I have a passion for climbing... but I realize it is just one facet of my passion for life. I want people around me who are passionate about their life and experiences and recognize that true passion, real passion is fleeting. It isn't in every moment and it doesn't rule your life. Passion, when it is real, is something that provides drive in the moment. Don't let it be something that you need to fulfill your life, to give yourself meaning and happiness... that simply means you are not truly passionate, but rather just addicted.