Finding Balance

I'm sitting in my office cube. It is Saturday and I am making up hours of work that I have missed over the last couple of weeks. As I try to get work accomplished for clients, put in my 40 hour work week, and get outside with friends I am finding that 24 hours is not enough. At least not if I want to sleep.

I'm sitting in my office working and listening to The Dirtbag Diaries. All this podcast does is make me want to run. Quit my job, find homes for the cats and dog, sell the car, and hop on my bike. Peddle my way to where ever it is I'm hoping to be...

When I was in high school and looking to go off to college, I couldn't get into any local colleges. I didn't have good SAT scores, and my grades were average, and my mom made too much money for me to be on Financial Aid. Being a student was never something I did well, so I was in no hurry to go back to school. I took about nine months off. I worked a full time job at an arcade store in the local mall, and I dreamed about hoping on my bike and heading east. Screw going west, I wanted something different.

I got on my bike and started to ride. Ten miles out I got scared. I didn't have any food, I didn't have much water, and my bike bags didn't even include a sleeping bag or a tent. I ended up at REI in Redmond. I went East just not very far. I guess technically I went North East. I shopped around REI and started my list. I needed a light weight tent, a good small bag, spare tires and tubes, a pump, bigger bags, a head lamp, bike lamp...hey how much is that helmet?

Yeah, back then we didn't wear a helmet when we rode, but I figured if I'm going to be on highways I better have something. My grandfather bought my first helmet, my Dad got me a seat bag. I dreamed about the bike bags. I dreamed about putting up a tent on the side roads and making myself a place to sleep. Oh, I need food? Hmmm, yeah, I'm going to need front and rear bike bags. Maybe a handle bar bag. I dreamed of where I would end up during the winter.

I figured I would take a job at a diner, or anywhere that would take me. I imagined that I would become part of this town in Somewhere America, and then one day early in the morning, it would still be cold, I would ride my bike out of town down the middle of the main street. I would have touched this town and broke its heart. The town would talk about that nice boy who rode his bike in looking all ragged and in need of a good scrubbing. They would talk about how it was strange how I wanted to talk to everyone and find out their story, but I cleaned up nicely.

My goal was to ride across the country. I wanted to see New England, Prince Edward Island. I intended to ride my bike south along the Atlantic coast. Spring break in Florida -- isn't that the dream? I would then work my way back west. Eventually, I would come home. I'd have a little bit of money left in my bank account because my savings would have remained untouched. I would know how to make an amazing drink, or cook a wonderful meal, maybe I would have a story to tell or two.

That was the dream. The reality was Clinton came into office and all the sudden I had the opportunity to go to college. I got my Associates, and followed that with my Bachelors. I found other interests to occupy my attention. The dream never died though. I have always dreamed of packing up the car, the dog, the wife, and just driving until I needed to sleep. I've done this a couple times. Coming back to work is never the same though. Each time I do get those glimpses of the dream I find it harder to live in the grind.

So where is the balance? I wonder now if there is a way to live life the way I dream it and in the world of salaried employment. Even my friends who seem to live life so vicariously seem bound by the system. They worry about where their head will lay each night, will they be able to afford rent, can they afford gas, food, and everything we all worry about day to day. Sure they could camp in the mountains, or beaches but it is a hard life. It feels good for a couple weeks, but eventually you want a shower, you need a shower. Clean clothes would be nice too. A warm meal that wasn't cooked on a camp stove. And even if you do stay out more than two weeks there are people in this world that actually count on you.

I think the time is fast approaching where I'm going to make my decision. My desire to see this world and enjoy it daily is bubbling over. I want to stop when I see something beautiful and just take it in. Etch it in my mind. I'm tired of having to be some place for someone else. I want to be any place, but that place needs to be of my choosing. At least for a little while.

First, I need to find that courage.