Stay with Me!

I sit in anticipation of events my week holds. Skiing will come with my preferred backcountry adventures awaiting my mark on the canvas of snow. Tonight a movie.

Today -- I was reviewing some other bloggers and their take on "fear." In particular the fear that comes with climbing, but I'm actually looking at fear from a different prospective. For me, in this case, it isn't limited to climbing.

I have been self employed for less than a year. I've been hanging on, and sticking to my work. However, some days the fear sets in and with that fear -- immobility. My brain doesn't get it, but my body instinctively wants to remain unmoved. My brain is saying... "You can do it!" "Go, Chris, Go!" "You've done harder, this will be a breeze." My body shudders a bit and finds a snuggle with my dog, or desires to crawl back into bed, or puts on the tube to distract from my brains encouragement.

Even now, I sit and write this blog instead of taking on my project. My project is laid out before me. I will write though, entrench my brain on the task of not just understanding this fear, but what path I should use to overcome it.

My project remains unattended.

I sit here now the only problem before me... I can only go forward. So you're wondering, why aren't you working on your project and instead writing a blog? Two reasons a) I haven't done a blog update in a long time(yes I get the irony,) and 2) in my head, I'm standing midway up the first pitch of Ewephoric on the Sheeps Head in Cochise.

I yelled down to my climbing partner Brigette, "I don't think I can do this." She didn't respond. Or maybe she did. I don't recall. I plugged a piece of gear into the wall, this wide smooth handholdless monster. I stood there for a long time. I had a conversation with my self.

selfdoubt: "Downclimb?"
me: "No."
selfdoubt: "You only have one other choice, you get that don't you?"
me: "No, I have two other choices."
selfdoubt: "Two other choices? Really? Besides going down? You're so full of shit."
me: "Yes, two other choices besides going down. I can go up, that would be a good choice. Or I can also just stand here until a rescue party comes."
selfdoubt: "Dumbass."
me: "So how do you think I should go up then?"
selfdoubt: "You're probably right, just stand there until the rescue party comes."
me: "Great. Well, I can at least move up to that ledge there."
selfdoubt: "Then what, you can see there is no way to protect there."
me: "Well, I'll just take the next obvious step."
selfdoubt: "Dumbass."

I moved up the rock. A scene from Gladiator moved through my head and I hear the words of Maximus: "Three weeks from now...Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!"

In the movie the soldiers all laugh. I didn't laugh, I was already alone. I had moved up to that next ledge, and recalled that the party before us had another piece in the rock above me before reaching the one bolt on the entire first pitch. I didn't like the way that looked. I stepped out of the runnel crack thing I was in, and just slab face climbed my way to the bolt. A good choice in hindsight, but scary. I reached the bolt, clipped, the climb was pretty much over... one pitch down, only four pitches to go. And no, I won't tell you how far it was from my last gear placement to the bolt.

I know how to conquer my fear. The problem isn't conquering it. The problem is I'm not ready for Elysium. It is easy to step out and let the current carry you. You might get bumped along the way, scrapped up, maybe even broken a bit. Those who don't let go will cheer you and give you hero status or poo-poo you because they didn't have the courage. They will call you mentor, roll model, inspiration, crazy, moron, idiot. How brave of you! How stupid! And yet, all you did was let go in the moment, and let it wash over you. Somehow even when I embrace that fear and accept immobility I eventually let go. Okay, I don't know how to conquer my fear, I just accept it.

I'm encouraged to move; be physical. This morning I woke with my dog to let her water the grass and then filled her tummy with breakfast. Often I choose to crawl back into my warm sheets and sleep another 15 or 30 minutes, an hour. I started washing the dishes. Be mobile. I can do that; that isn't what is holding me back. I can do the physical. This is emotional. This is mental. I have the means, I'm intelligent, I have the plan, I have the resources, I have everything I need. And somehow I am fighting against this immobility, I fight against Elysium.

That's the story... I guess it is time to let go. I'll let you know how it turns out.