Stay with Me!

I sit in anticipation of events my week holds. Skiing will come with my preferred backcountry adventures awaiting my mark on the canvas of snow. Tonight a movie.

Today -- I was reviewing some other bloggers and their take on "fear." In particular the fear that comes with climbing, but I'm actually looking at fear from a different prospective. For me, in this case, it isn't limited to climbing.

I have been self employed for less than a year. I've been hanging on, and sticking to my work. However, some days the fear sets in and with that fear -- immobility. My brain doesn't get it, but my body instinctively wants to remain unmoved. My brain is saying... "You can do it!" "Go, Chris, Go!" "You've done harder, this will be a breeze." My body shudders a bit and finds a snuggle with my dog, or desires to crawl back into bed, or puts on the tube to distract from my brains encouragement.

Even now, I sit and write this blog instead of taking on my project. My project is laid out before me. I will write though, entrench my brain on the task of not just understanding this fear, but what path I should use to overcome it.

My project remains unattended.

I sit here now the only problem before me... I can only go forward. So you're wondering, why aren't you working on your project and instead writing a blog? Two reasons a) I haven't done a blog update in a long time(yes I get the irony,) and 2) in my head, I'm standing midway up the first pitch of Ewephoric on the Sheeps Head in Cochise.

I yelled down to my climbing partner Brigette, "I don't think I can do this." She didn't respond. Or maybe she did. I don't recall. I plugged a piece of gear into the wall, this wide smooth handholdless monster. I stood there for a long time. I had a conversation with my self.

selfdoubt: "Downclimb?"
me: "No."
selfdoubt: "You only have one other choice, you get that don't you?"
me: "No, I have two other choices."
selfdoubt: "Two other choices? Really? Besides going down? You're so full of shit."
me: "Yes, two other choices besides going down. I can go up, that would be a good choice. Or I can also just stand here until a rescue party comes."
selfdoubt: "Dumbass."
me: "So how do you think I should go up then?"
selfdoubt: "You're probably right, just stand there until the rescue party comes."
me: "Great. Well, I can at least move up to that ledge there."
selfdoubt: "Then what, you can see there is no way to protect there."
me: "Well, I'll just take the next obvious step."
selfdoubt: "Dumbass."

I moved up the rock. A scene from Gladiator moved through my head and I hear the words of Maximus: "Three weeks from now...Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!"

In the movie the soldiers all laugh. I didn't laugh, I was already alone. I had moved up to that next ledge, and recalled that the party before us had another piece in the rock above me before reaching the one bolt on the entire first pitch. I didn't like the way that looked. I stepped out of the runnel crack thing I was in, and just slab face climbed my way to the bolt. A good choice in hindsight, but scary. I reached the bolt, clipped, the climb was pretty much over... one pitch down, only four pitches to go. And no, I won't tell you how far it was from my last gear placement to the bolt.

I know how to conquer my fear. The problem isn't conquering it. The problem is I'm not ready for Elysium. It is easy to step out and let the current carry you. You might get bumped along the way, scrapped up, maybe even broken a bit. Those who don't let go will cheer you and give you hero status or poo-poo you because they didn't have the courage. They will call you mentor, roll model, inspiration, crazy, moron, idiot. How brave of you! How stupid! And yet, all you did was let go in the moment, and let it wash over you. Somehow even when I embrace that fear and accept immobility I eventually let go. Okay, I don't know how to conquer my fear, I just accept it.

I'm encouraged to move; be physical. This morning I woke with my dog to let her water the grass and then filled her tummy with breakfast. Often I choose to crawl back into my warm sheets and sleep another 15 or 30 minutes, an hour. I started washing the dishes. Be mobile. I can do that; that isn't what is holding me back. I can do the physical. This is emotional. This is mental. I have the means, I'm intelligent, I have the plan, I have the resources, I have everything I need. And somehow I am fighting against this immobility, I fight against Elysium.

That's the story... I guess it is time to let go. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Making it on my own

I've been a bit lax on doing a blog update. I have been a bit lax on taking pictures too. The month of June was a big month for me. I worked 43 hours and during my free time I was out running, climbing, swimming, hiking and generally enjoying the people I have been meeting.

Feeling a bit jealous that I only worked 43 hours? Don't be. This is part of me making it on my own. I have made a decision to pare down my life so I have more hours to enjoy it. I make a lot less money, I am dependent on myself, I pay my own medical insurances... I worry still about the next day, week, and month will bring.

Although, Like most people I spent a majority of my younger employed years working 50+ hours a week. And in return I got laid off, I suffered personal vendettas, I dealt with sociopaths and narcissists, I got fired for insubordination, I worked 14 hour days 7 days a week with promised rewards I never received, I saw policies made that only impacted me because I wouldn't allow myself to be taken advantage by the business. I've seen and experienced a lot of really bad stuff. Things that no one should have to go through, and yet -- why are you still taking that treatment from your job you "love?"

Wait! Maybe you should be jealous. As my own business owner I have made my own company policies. #1 I will never take advantage of another person whether they are my employee, or my client. #2 I will never let an employee or client take advantage of me. If I don't like the conditions, I get to change them. I can, and need to be reasonable, of course. Yet -- my choices impact me directly. I don't live on the whim of someone who has been made my "boss" and doesn't really have the leadership skills, or personal skills in the first place. On top of that, I get to also make my own Holiday schedule. I get all the banking holidays off. Unless I want to work them. I take the two weeks around the Christmas Holiday off -- does any work really get done at this time? I also decided I get four additional weeks off during the year. The plan -- take a full month off each year (we'll see how that works out.)

Yes, when I take time off, I don't get money. This is true. At the same time -- I get to live a fuller life than I had before. So here I am out making it on my own...

As I said, June was a big month, but July... big in other ways. I started the month with 6 days in Squamish B.C. The first two were bouldering by myself and those I met in the Grand Wall Forest.

I'm not a good boulder. I'm just not. I can do V2, just not most V2's. I can do V1, just not all V1's, and I can do V0. I've attempted a couple V3, and V4's, but really it takes some nerve to fall. On the 5th day out, I was bouldering with my good friends Jason and Rhiannon, and we did some bouldering in an area that doesn't get much attention. I was on what felt like a high problem... My feet were probably 6 feet off the ground or less. I was getting nervous, and Jason just gave me a quick tap on the hip. I realized I wasn't that far. I made the final big move, the one before finessing your way over the top, and I slipped. My hands pulling off moss and pine needles. And I landed safely. I have to go back and complete this problem -- it was day five after all and my arms and elbows were very tired. Still, I tried to work through that final finessing a few more times... I had to walk away defeated -- but I can go back.

I also had one of my best days out climbing ever. I top roped the whole day, but I climbed at my peak. It was day three for me, and I was with Jason and Rhiannon again. We warmed up on a 5.9, then followed that with 10d, 10c, 10c, 10b, 5.7. It doesn't seem like much when I write it down, but at the same time... it was a great day of climbing. I'm still living through those climbs. I'm excited to go back and do them again. I'm excited that I'm doing 10d on top rope outside (it just isn't the same inside.)

The fourth day of climbing was pretty quiet. The air was warm, and I was tired. I did a few climbs 5.7, 5.9, 5.6, and then went swimming. It was refreshing and nice to get the grim off of me.

I'm now preparing for a nice 2.5 week trip for the end of July. I'm heading down to meet some friends in Reno, and to do some climbing in Tahoe. I don't know what I'll climb, but I'm also bringing a bouldering pad. It should be fun. I'll stay there for about a week and then head south to Tuolumne where my cousin is a SAR (Search and Rescue). I got my SuperTopo Toulumne Bouldering guide, a pad, gear (if I have a partner) and just some relaxing in the meadow.

I'm debating if I want to drop down to Red Rocks (what am I thinking, 100 degrees?) and then up through Utah, or out to Denver. I'm not sure. Depends if I get bored or not. If I find a partner for the whole trip that would be nice. Guess I should put the call out.

I hope all you out there are enjoying your summer. I will be bringing my camera along for this next trip and I will take pictures. I will try to put updates along the way...

As my good friend Dave would say, "Peace, Love beads, and Macrame." Maybe he says "Peas, Love, Beads, and Macrame." Hmmm... I'll get back to you on that.